


dream of ways (to throw it all away)

by Lire_Casander



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, M/M, References To The ThreeSome Scene From S02E06, Spoilers For S02E09
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-20
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:22:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24268885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lire_Casander/pseuds/Lire_Casander
Summary: everyone has a breaking point
Relationships: Michael Guerin/Alex Manes
Comments: 8
Kudos: 78





	dream of ways (to throw it all away)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MistressD](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistressD/gifts).



> Prompt: **RNM Malex Something with Michael and Alex after Michael's conversation with Sanders. Michael is raw and that can lead to honesty-I'd love to see Alex comforting him and Michael making some comment that at least makes us (and Alex) hopeful that they are moving towards being back together even if it's not happening right now.** Please heed the warnings.
> 
> Title comes from _Gravity_ by John Mayer.
> 
> Beta'ed by the always amazing [el_gilliath](https://archiveofourown.org/users/el_gilliath). Thanks a lot for your help with this!

Alex drives through the open entrance of the junkyard, the folder on the passenger seat glaring at him. It’s taken him a while to gather all the information about Nora and Louise, both from the Caulfield hard drives that Kyle salvaged before the explosion and from what heʼs been able to infer from his trips to the library whenever his schedule allowed him to. It hasnʼt hurt that heʼs met Forrest there every single time heʼs managed to steal a few minutes to check ancient newspapers. 

Alex is aware of Forrestʼs advances, because that blue-haired nerd that has Alex’s heart roaring is anything but subtle. However, he isn’t ready to take that step — to date and kiss and hold hands in the open — and he fears heʼs missed his chance with Forrest after having confessed his doubts and insecurities for the first time in over twenty years. He knows his truth, though — he knows heʼs jealous of Forrestʼs no-nonsense attitude and his positivity, but most of all, Alex is jealous of Forrestʼs personality, of his ability to dismiss all the negative traits that surround Roswell and his own family.

Alex doesn’t think heʼll ever be over needing his fatherʼs approval, even if he knows Jesse Manes would rather have a dead son than a gay one. 

But if heʼs being honest with himself, Alex knows that he will never be able to date anyone — not even secretly, loving someone in dark alleys and behind closed doors — until he lets go of the last straw of hope tying him to Michael Guerin. Giving him this folder, putting a closure on whatever history Michael’s family had gone through, might help Alex find the peace of mind he needs to move on. 

Although he doesn’t think heʼll ever be over Michael Guerin. 

There’s something magnetic pulling him toward Michael, something animalistic, something he canʼt fight as much as he wants to cut those feelings out of his soul. For years — those long periods of time when he fought with his life for a freedom he wasnʼt sure was worth the price they paid — Alex had resigned himself to long for soft curls and hazel warmth, knowing there was a chance that he would never see Michael again. And then, back inRoswell, Alex had found out the truth about his first love. 

He should have ran away. 

He stayed. 

Alex stops the car close to the Airstream, which is once again back at being parked at Sandersʼ. For a moment, he wonders what might have happened to Michael living in Mariaʼs backyard. But he quickly dismisses the thought when he takes a look around before jumping out of his car when he doesn’t see Michael anywhere. There’s an open car in the middle of the working space Michael usually occupies, and itʼs shaking slightly as though someone is trembling against it. 

Alex is walking around the other vehicle before his mind can register the movement. 

He finds Michael slumped against the car, hands locked in his curls, matted by sweat but sticking out in some places. When Alex squats next to him, at a distance to make sure he doesn’t startle Michael, he notices that there are tears staining Michael’s face. 

“Guerin?” he asks softly. “Whatʼs wrong?” 

He doesn’t think heʼs ever seen Michael Guerin crying like this — hiccupping and wheezing and breaking down in sobs that tear Alex’s soul — and it makes him yearn to touch Michael and comfort him. But they arenʼt there yet, Alex doesn’t think theyʼll ever be, not with everything theyʼve been through lately. 

Not with Maria and Forrest, and definitely not after what had transpired in the Airstream the night he got stabbed. 

At the thought of his encounter with the evil twins on the cornfield, Alex shudders. He shakes the feeling off, focusing on the trembling figure in front of him. 

“Guerin,” he says firmly. “Hey, look at me.” 

Michael looks up at his words, whiskey-colored eyes meeting his in a pained gaze. He shivers before lowering his head once again and hiding his face in his hands. Not knowing how to react, Alex settles for reaching out and placing his own hands over Michael’s, prying them off his face. He holds both of Michael’s hands in his left one, and uses his right hand to lift Michael’s head by placing his fingers underneath Michael’s jaw. 

“There you are,” he whispers. “What happened, Guerin? What’s wrong?” 

Alex is raking his brain, searching for reasons to make Michael bawl so hard. He goes through a virtual folder of information — Max is doing fine with the heart transplant, Isobel is healing from Noahʼs abuse, and he knows Liz is struggling but she’s breaking through. Alex doesn’t know whatʼs going on with Maria, it’s been a while since he last talked to her, but he has an inkling that Michael wouldn’t be this upset about her. 

“I could’ve had a family,” Michael stutters. “All this time, I could’ve had a family to love me, and even that was stolen from me.” 

Alex doesn’t understand whatʼs going on, how Michael has reached that conclusion on his own, what heʼs learned that Alex missed in his perusing of decades of torturing and research. But whatever it is, it’s shaken Michael to his very core. 

“Youʼve always had a family,” he tries to appease Michael, but it only makes him cry harder. The sobs shake Michael’s body so hard that heʼs moving the car behind them without using his powers. 

“Sanders,” Michael hiccups. “Sanders is the kid in the picture. He was there with my mom.”

“Sanders is Walt?” Alex exclaims out of surprise. He hadn’t expected this turn of events. He knows half of the story, of that he was sure, but he would have never imagined that Sanders could have played such an important role. 

“He is. He promised my mom heʼd take care of her child. He tried to adopt me, but couldn’t. I could—” Michael starts coughing, choking on his own tears as he scrambles to calm himself with little success. “I could’ve had a family, people to take care of me, people to love me. Why didn’t I have it? What wrongs have I done that I didn’t deserve it?” 

Alex’s heart breaks at the sight of Michael Guerin — always strong, always fighting back — defeated on the filthy ground of a junkyard in the outskirts of Roswell. But there are so many things to dig into at Michael’s words, his brain is almost combusting with theories. 

If Sanders is Walt, that kid who didn’t have a house but who found a family in the strangest of places, Alex is sure Sanders has had to know about Michaelʼs abilities — about Michael being an alien. Sanders has had to know about the pods and the powers and the different traits that make Michael unique. Sanders has had to know about Max and Isobel, and Alex is sure Sanders has to know about the bunker beneath the Airstream — Sanders has had to make sure that the bunker was properly hidden while Michael has been sauntering around town trying to live the farce of being normal by dating Maria, until that also exploded in his face. 

“Michael,” Alex whispers, the name foreign on his tongue due to the lack of use on his part. “I know it hurts right now, and I know you wonʼt believe me, but youʼve had a family. Youʼve had people loving you so much.” 

“That’s what hurts the most!” Michael bellows, startling Alex and making him stumble backward until he falls on his ass on the ground. “Max and Isobel have been protecting me from the system the best they could, and I pushed them away! Sanders has given me a home and a job and what have I done to repay him? Iʼve been stealing copper wire from him for _years_! And you—you—” Michael breaks down again, sobbing even harder. 

Alex doesn’t think; he crawls back next to Michael, ignoring the flaring pain in his leg, and cradles Michael’s face in his hands. It breaks his heart to watch Michael suffering so much, but a part of him knows that it was necessary, for Michael to understand that he hasnʼt been alone in his life. Sometimes a family doesn’t mean a roof and a bloodline — that Alex knows better than anyone. Sometimes a family is finding love and solace in places no one would have thought they could be found. 

“You still have them, Michael,” Alex tells him, not letting go when Michael tries to free himself from Alex’s grip. “You still have Max, because you loved him so much you brought him back. And he knows you love him. And you still have Isobel, and she knows youʼll always be there for her. I canʼt speak for Sanders, but that man isn’t as blind as we think he is. Sanders has been taking care of you since you came back to Roswell, Michael. As much as you try to push them away, theyʼre still here.” 

Michael shakes his head, but Alex is relentless in his quest to make him understand that love isnʼt only a last name on an adoption form. 

“And you have Maria,” Alex keeps on. “She loves you, and you love her. She’s still here for you. She learned about your origins and she’s still here.” 

“No, she isn’t,” Michael tells him, shaking his head still trapped in between Alex’s hands. “Thatʼs why Iʼm back here. I couldn’t—it wasnʼt meant to be.” 

“I thought you were going steady,” Alex frowns. “After all, you chose her.” He doesn’t explain the pain heʼs been in ever since that morning outside the Airstream, when they lay aside whatever it was that was going on between them and he walked away for what he thought was the last time. He doesn’t explain how heʼs been idling because he canʼt let go of Michael. 

It feels like bad taste, to rub it in now that heʼs learned Michael and Maria are no longer a couple. 

“I ruin everything,” Michael states, finally getting free of Alex’s grasp and turning his head to the side, sniffling. “Why are you even here? Why do you even care? I have hurt you so much and you—” 

“I told you that I knew you loved me,” Alex interrupts him. “The truth is, I canʼt let go, Guerin. Even if I know you wonʼt love me ever again, given I know that itʼs impossible for you to untangle me from my family, I still care about you. I still love you. A part of me will always love you. Thatʼs why Iʼm here, and why I wonʼt look away.” 

“But I did! I looked away,” Michael says, a new stream of tears rolling down his cheeks. “I swore I wouldn’t and then I just. I just did.” 

Alex sighs. He doesn’t want to dwell on that any longer — knowing Michael will never love him again because heʼs still a Manes man is painful enough without having confirmation — but it seems Michael needs to unload his burden. Alex vowed once upon a time that heʼd protect Michael from harm as much as he could, and that entails protecting him from himself. 

“I can live with that,” Alex reassures him. 

“You shouldn’t. You should be able to move on, to date that nerd,” Michael looks at him for a brief moment. “You shouldn’t be tied to me for whatever obligation you may think you have with me.”

“Listen—”

“No, _you_ listen. I should let go of you. I should cut you free from this insanity,” Michael shakes his head. “But I just canʼt. I want to be happy that you’ve found a new love, but I canʼt. I want to move on, but I _canʼt_.” 

Alex doesn’t think heʼs hearing correctly. Michael’s words sink deep in his soul, making hope awaken from its heaviness. If Michael means what heʼs saying — if his words ring true — Alex would allow himself to have faith. Because he wonʼt be able to take another fall. 

And yet, he has to ask, he has to know for _sure_ , before he takes that leap of faith. 

“Why is that?” he whispers, voice shaking. “Why canʼt you let go?” 

Michael stares at him for a moment, unable to form coherent words. He lunges forward, putting a hand over Alex’s jacket right above his heart, and suddenly everything becomes brighter and warmer and more right than it has ever been. 

Alex has heard about the handprint connection — from the Caulfield files and from Lizʼs excited retelling — but he never thought heʼd experienced it. It’s frightening and exciting at the same time, that feeling of falling and flying and soaring and sinking, all at the same time. But there’s more than that — there’s something deeper running through his system. 

There’s a love that fills every single corner of his soul, the only feeling that makes sense in the midst of pain and grief and misunderstandings that have reigned in his life for so long. And it isn’t just his. 

He’s feeling Michael’s endless love for him. 

“Wow,” he mutters when Michael withdraws his hand. “That was just—” 

Michael looks away again, chewing on his lower lip. “Now you know. You donʼt have to—whatever, you donʼt have to do anything about it.” 

“Michael, look at me, please,” Alex manages to say. He’s breathing heavily, the weight of everything heʼs feeling — both from himself and from Michael — but he has to make his point come across clearly. He might only have this one chance. “I know youʼre not in the best moment to act on your feelings. It’s okay. Iʼm not going anywhere. I meant it, you are my family. But I canʼt be just your friend.” 

Michael shakes his head again, but Alex hasnʼt finished. 

“I want to be so much more. And this thing youʼve shared with me— Michael, I know you want that too. I can wait. We can make it work. We can make it worth all the struggle. I promise you, Iʼm not going anywhere.” 

Michael’s eyes scan Alex’s one last time, as though searching for a truth or a lie, so Alex tries to keep his heart on his sleeves to make sure Michael understands that heʼs meant everything heʼs said. And it seems Michael believes him, for he surges forward until his face is furrowed in Alex’s neck. 

“Weʼre going to be okay,” Alex whispers. “Itʼs going to be just fine.” 

And for the first time in a decade, Alex knows in his bones that all the scars will be worth it, in the end.


End file.
